Buddhism, Not For Me

I was 18 when I first started announcing that I was Buddhist. I really liked the idea of it, but it wasn't until I was 22 when I really got it. I was already living in New York and realized then, if I wanted to stay here, I'd have to stop striving for that way of life. As it turns out, its hardly any life at all. The reason I thought it was a great idea to follow Buddhist ideals is because I truly believe that when you want nothing, you are always content. What I found out is that's definitely not the case if you live in NYC.

It all started when I read the book 'Be Here Now' by Ram Dass. For some reason, it resonated within me like nothing else had ever done. I'm not sure if it came from the content of the book, if it was because of the subtext or even my meditations after reading, but man, I got life! I got beyond life! I truly understood for the first time ever what it means when people say 'we are one'. I don't know if its something I can explain, but when you get it, you really get it.

So there I was, in my subleased bedroom of a tiny three bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, I got life, I was content and I didn't need anything. A week later, I was depressed. I am usually the most positive person you'll meet and for the first time in my life I. was. depressed. I didn't NEED anything or anyone.

After a few ridiculous months of being (un)happy in wanting nothing, I started digging deeper. Why live if you find no reason to? Then I remembered other books I've read that said that the ego of your mind seeks meaning and self importance, so I thought that finding meaning for MY life is not the answer... But finding reason for ALL life is!

So I thought, or felt rather: 'I am a piece/part of the entire universe, what do I want, what is my purpose'?

It's almost two years later and I finally have the answer! I (the universe) want to expand. The fastest way for me to expand is through projection of powerful energies, the most powerful of all is pure white light, is pure love/joy.

This makes the purpose of MY life to be the most joyful I can be and to love whatever and no matter what I do and the people around me. If ever this doesn't work, I need to change myself or change my setting. I cannot change anyone, I can only love them as they are.